Good Morning Earth Mother

Good morning Earth Mother,

I awake to your beauty,

your endless beauty,

I awake to your sunrise,

Lugh mighty and bright,

touches the sky with radiance,

I am blessed.

Earth Mother,

Goddess of the Fair Folk,

Keeper of Nature,

Beloved of the Ancestors,

to be with you in the morning,

is to sit in peace.

Your child always,

So be it.

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Social Networks and Mental Illness

This may seem petty, but my sister pays more attention to everyone but me on Facebook. She never comments on my wall, likes anything…its like I don’t even exist to her. I get 0 support for my mental illness. It just reminds me of all the times I tried my damnedest to support her in every single way and I get nothing in return. I guess that doesn’t mean I am entitled to support, I just thought she would care about me more than what she does. Meh. I’m tired of having sister issues. I won’t say anything. Just gonna let it go. I have people who care about me. It just reminds me though of what my new counselor said, “You’re not love addicted, you’re love neglected.”

Wow. My cat is really pissed off at me. All I did was hold her while my mom treated her for fleas. She’ll forgive me in time. I just hope she doesn’t lick it off and get sick. I wouldn’t be able to handle waking up and finding my cat dead. My world would come apart.

An hour ago I was so cold I was physically shaking. Now I’m too hot. And I still feel nauseous. This whole transition to another anti-pyschotic is seriously kicking my ass. I’m so glad I see my counselor tomorrow. I’m trying to hold myself together. I don’t know, I’m growing more and more apathetic as the days progress. I’m accepting that these hallucinations are beyond my control. I don’t know when they’re going to happen, or what they’ll be like, whether it will be in a public place or in the safety of my bed. So far I’ve been able to tell that I am having hallucinations. So instead of thinking that my coworker has 4 eyes, I know logically that is impossible and so I must be seeing things. Which does freak me out, but at least I didn’t believe she was a monster coming to get me.

Now I feel like crying. I’m just so tired of all of this. My body shaking out of control. Choking on my pills and sometimes food and water because I have trouble swallowing due to the medicine. The nausea that comes and goes. And being tired all the time…yet not able to sleep or taking hours to fall asleep because you’re on hyper alert due to paranoia. It’s exhausting. Speaking of sleep…I need to go to bed soon. Maybe I will catch a break tonight and get a good night’s rest. Cheers to being hopeful.

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Two New Bookies

Today I decided, since I have some left over money, to buy a book about worshiping Isis, and another book about the Gods and Goddesses of the Celtic world.

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I was told by Isis that I should continue my spiritual exploration as a Druid. For a while I was only focusing on my Kemetic practices. Now I see that a balance between them was needed. Not long ago I want to the Beltaine Festival with my Grove. We danced the May Pole and had ritual. It was very enjoyable and I always wonder why I get so damn nervous before hand. We are all people, make mistakes, no one is judging anyone else. I would like to deepen my Druid practices, and I would like to do the same for my Kemetic ones.

 

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I Will Always Remember

 

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I would like to honor today, those who have served, do serve, and those who have fallen to protect our nation and other nations. No one wants war. But here we are in the midst of it. These wars seem to span quite a range of dates, and those who serve and their families are the ones most affected. Either PTSD is more common now, or it was under-reported in the past, unclassified. There is evidence of it going back to WWII, but it was called “Shell shock” back then. My grandfather on my dad’s side fought in WWII. What I remember of him was a man who seemed to wander around caught up in his own little world, detached from reality. He would hum and sing songs from a time period long ago. He lived in the past. But I remember, the one time that he was truly lucid…he gave me advice because I was having trouble sleeping (a life long ailment). He told me to think of the things that made me happy, positive thoughts, and sleep would come. I will never forget that. We no longer house his dress uniform, we gave it to my Uncle so that he could have a turn to have it in his house. It will always be very precious to me no matter which of my Aunts and Uncles have it.

He met my grandmother post WWII in Germany, during the occupation. She lived in a castle that had been made into apartments. They had trouble getting bread. Well my grandfather, smitten with this woman, bought her family bread and delivered it to her home personally. At some point he fell in love, even though he was Jewish and she was German. The family was outraged. They couldn’t believe that he would bring a German wife home. Some of them disowned him. I can’t blame them, quite a few of my Jewish relatives had ended up in Concentration Camps. I saw the branding on a few of them when I was younger and attending a Bar Mitzvah. Many of these relatives are now passing from old age.

I have tried dating soldiers, but in the end, I just can’t cut it. It’s a lifestyle that is very challenging, demanding and oftentimes lonely. I have dated a female soldier and our relationship fell apart due to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. The stress of keeping such a relationship secret was too much for her to bear. This was before it was repealed. The others were men and I truly admire them, even though our relationships didn’t work out. Both have gone to Afghanistan and I pray they are well. But I fear they won’t be the same again.

To me, war isn’t worth the cost of lives that we lose. Lives to death and violence, and lives lost to trauma, PTSD, depression and guilt. Our soldiers are bringing the war home in their minds and will always be haunted by it. I think, the least I can do, is become a counselor or therapist to soldiers and their families. It’s my way of giving back. And while I can’t do this now, I will be able to in the future.

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Good Morning

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Time: 6:12am

Date: May 16, 2014

Weather: Damp and overcast

The fresh cool breeze coming from the open window carcasses my skin and brings relief after such a hot day yesterday. It must have rained over night, everything is damp and saturated with color. After the browns and white of winter, it is a welcome sight. Its as if green was born overnight. What once was naked is now colored with leaves. It is breathtaking.

Today we are supposed to get rain and thunderstorms. I am ready for both, so long as they are not severe storms. My heart goes out to the people who have lost so much due to tornadoes. And those who lost everything in the fire storms. It seems like we are in for a severe season. A product of global warming? Perhaps. Or maybe Nature is cleansing herself and we simply are in the way. We think we are unstoppable but these storms remind us of our place, that we too are a part of Nature and not above her forces. 

This may be shocking or deemed insane, but I already miss winter. How soothing it was to sit on the couch and stare out the window during snow fall. It always calms me and alters my state of consciousness with its profound beauty. I will, however, enjoy the spring change and embrace summer when it fully arrives. People always ask me what season is my favorite. At one time it was simply autumn or spring, now I say I love all the seasons for different reasons. I love the cycle of Nature, the turning of the wheel.

Mornings are so peaceful. I start work at 8:00am, but get up at 5:30am to have a relaxing start to the day. I try to make time for myself. Otherwise I feel too rushed. This morning I feel peaceful. But who knows what the day will bring?

 

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It’s Been Ages

I didn’t forget about my blog, I just…wait, yes I did. I’ve had a lot happen to me the last few weeks, the worst part was going into withdrawal because I couldn’t get my medicine. My medication level was dangerously high according to the mental health counselor at the ER. I was cut back a dose, so now I only take it twice a day. Down to 10 pills, that is an improvement, albeit a small one. ‘

I dyed my hair black and look pretty sweet in my Goth and Punkish clothes but I can’t wear all of them to work. So yeah. I think the black hair makes me look even younger. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I’m in the market for a new job, one that pays better with benefits. I think they underestimated me and my capabilities. I handle my disorder fairly well.

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Too Old to Dress This Way? F THAT!

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I will  always dress the way I want,

not how someone else believes.

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