It is – 15 degrees outside and I am feeling particularly grateful to the person(s) who developed heaters. Winter is still in full force and the rest of the week is looking just as frigid. Even when I dressed this morning, my clothes were cold to the touch and I certainly shivered until they were warmed by my body heat.
There is something I’ve been pondering these past few days…My membership in ADF. I do not feel like I always belong, just a person set on the side lines. I think this is mostly my fault, as I get anxious around other people. These folks are very kind, and I have assimilated a lot from ADF. However, I have been questioning my desire to stick with it. Most of the clergy are Elitist or condescending toward me. I respect that they have gone through a lot of training and harbor a great deal of information, but one can be like this AND treat newer people with respect and encouragement. Maybe my expectations of Clergy members if unrealistic. But I have heard complaints about this from others too.
I am not saying ADF is a bad organization. It’s pretty wonderful, in fact. But I’m not sure its my niche. At this point I’m mostly hanging on because I like doing the scholarly work, I’ve made a few friends, and because I like the prestige. A lot of people are impressed when you say you are a member of A Druid Fellowship. But I think pursuing a spiritual path just for the social status is missing the point entirely, and I wonder how I got here. When I was solitary, Druidry was such a deep personal relationship and I feel like I’ve grown away from it. I won’t say rituals are bad, but it is the relationship to the Earth, Ancestors and Shining Ones, whether I am in ritual or not, is what really carried me through some darker times. I feel a lot more confident about doing solitary work.
I am on the fence about ADF, but I won’t make a hasty decision. I really do feel uncomfortable about group rituals, as ritual has always been so personal to me, and private.
In any case, I am out of time and must head to work. I’m sure I will ponder these things throughout the day.