A friend of mine, someone I care about deeply, has decided to delete me from her life. Again. We use to be so close and I feel a strong bond with her. She is a kindred soul and I love her…in a completely platonic sense. Every now and then she will be in my dreams. But these are not ordinary dreams, but meetings of the soul. I learn about how she is doing. I am, after all, a Dream Walker. She is in a lot of emotional pain, and doesn’t want any help with it. She has alienated herself from many friends. And there is nothing I can do about it. I truly do believe she is a soul mate.
All things must pass, as George Harrison observed. I deleted most of the pictures from my profile, ones she took of me and the one photo she took of us. Its easier to delete someone from your mind and heart when there are no visual reminders. I have had to do this before, though under much different circumstances. The second two were past lovers. A part of me still loves them, but I no longer miss them. They have moved on as I have. Love exists in memory.
Speaking of love…I still don’t feel like I’m in love with Paul. I do feel that I care about him immensely! But I can’t say I’m in love with him at this time. I think I am growing in that direction, but I am also being cautious. My heart has been shattered so many times. I am afraid the same thing will happen with Paul. I have a lot of fears when it comes to relationships. He has openly said he loves me already, and I have no idea what to say to him in return. I’m really taking my time, trying to get to know him first and establishing a baseline as a best friend. I use to have the habit of rushing into relationships, high as a kite, only to become a train wreck when it crashes. I have to stop this pattern as it is so unhealthy. I feel like there is still a lot to know about him. But I am scared. And where fear resides, love is not given much of a window to shine in.
I think this really stems from the sexual abuse I endured with my first boyfriend. I was not raped, no, but I was violated. By him and my old babysitter’s husband. I don’t think he touched me but he was inappropriate toward me and all us kids. One of them, my hair dresser’s daughter, claimed that he had molested her. And my sister was sexually harassed by him as well. My memory is vague as this happened so long ago, but more of the memory was revealed to me this past year. I have a difficult time trusting men. My last boyfriend was not so accepting and often tried to pressure me into having sex. I am actually beginning to wonder if I am Asexual. I barely have a sex drive, and sexual thoughts make me feel so dirty. It may be a little surprising but I recently realized that adults are allowed to be sexual with each other. And that’s partially what being a couple means. You get to kiss them, hold them and so on. But it is also so weird to me. I have trouble visualizing myself as being a sexual person. This makes me realize how much I need to find a new therapist.
I don’t think I’m giving myself permission to fall in love with Paul. Like I said. Fear. It strikes again.We are going to breakfast later, around 9:00am. Five hours from now and I’m sitting here wrought with insomnia. I think I will go draw, something I haven’t done in a while. Drawing use to be breathing for me, but I have allowed my artistic talents to be put on a back burner. I made a resolution this year to do more artwork. I had better get started!