Well. I completely failed to celebrate Imbolc, even though I bought an offering and set it on the altar. I guess it will be a few days off the actual holiday, but better late than never, right? My life is a screwed up utter mess. I can no longer use Benadryl to help me sleep. In fact, as far as I know at this moment, there are no allergies I can take that won’t effect my other medications. And I get severe allergies. Maybe a shot? Ugh. I hate needles, but it might be my best option.
I woke around 2:30am with so many thoughts on my mind. I managed to doze on and off, but no restful sleep. It will be a long day for me. I kind of feel like crying, but at the same time, I am getting used to having insomnia. It’s been over a month now, relentless and haunting. Other side effects from my medication are still very present. I haven’t heard back from the psychiatrist I got a referral for, and I’m running out of refills. I need to see my primary Doctor before I run out, because I would be in bad shape then. I will call tomorrow, I think.
I think. That is one of my problems. I think too much. I have too many worries and cannot settle my mind, or soothe my body. I meditated for over an hour last night. And for some reason meditation leaves me wide awake instead of relaxed and rested. I must be doing something wrong. It is hard. I try not to be a ball of negativity, but lately I’ve been irate and on edge, like I’m ready to snap at any moment. I am trying to learn to love myself and accept myself, but its a real challenge after being taught to hate myself. It’s going to be a long battle, but once I manage to give myself unconditional love, I know it will be worth the efforts. I want my life to be happier and more fulfilling. Who doesn’t?
Mab is a great comfort to me. My sweetest thing. I love her more than my boyfriend. Which is kind of comical but well, she came first and I’m her mother. She is never very far from me, unless she is in her hyper mood. When resting, she usually lays on my legs and occasionally I wake up to her curled up on my stomach. She makes me forget all my worries, and brings me into the now. Her love is brilliant and pure.
One of my problems is that I try to do things alone. I should consult the Gods/Goddesses more often. I have appealed to Isis, and would like to appeal to Brighid but I’m worried that I made her angry for not celebrating Imbolc…that is pretty much her holiday. Well, I will do something tonight after work. Even if its small, like lighting a candle.