If there was one thing I have learned from Buddhism, it is making everyday activities sacred. One example that comes to mind is washing a bowl, and how it becomes likened to washing the Buddha, gleaming enlightenment from something so simple and taken for granted. I have tried to apply this to my life, at least in the past. Yes. I have studied some Buddhism as it was suggested to me by my Pagan mentor during one of my depressive episodes while in Undergrad. It brought me some comfort. I learned more later on, finding the above sample. Another favorite part of that book, called “Ordinary Magic”, uses a glass of orange juice as an example. At first the pulp swirls around in the glass, but if you let it sit for a while, it sinks to the bottom leaving it pure. They likened this to meditation: by sitting for a while, your thoughts settle and you begin to move beyond them to touch Nirvana.
I feel a calling to once again explore Buddhism. My life is a screwed up mess. I’m not severely depressed, but nor am I myself. Well. I have been what use to be my true self in a long time. I am so different now. But I suppose some characteristics have remained the same. I’m growing up. I always feel my age while at work. My second oldest coworker is 21 years old. The other is 20 and the last, 19. Our supervisor left and as soon as she was gone, chaos ensued. They were running around the room flinging rubber bands at each other, kicking one another, flirting, laughing, and acting like…well…children. I want off to find Amy and encountered four supervisors in the back room. Awkward. I asked for Amy and she came out and I told her what was going on. As soon as she came back into the room, they were behaving like angels. I am getting too old. I was the Ricky and I were the only ones continuing to work. He is 31. I guess people need to have a little fun, but I felt like I was in a room full of High Schoolers.
However, looking at this from another angle, I guess they weren’t causing any harm. And I certainly still like them. Very much. I just expect a bit more maturity. But compassion is the key here. I was once their age, and sometimes I behaved rather….badly. But generally only while under the influence of a lack of sleep. I get very strange when I don’t get enough sleep. Seeing as I have insomnia now and a lack of sleep pushes me into mania. But not today. I feel so…mellow, and rather…I don’t know. Sad I suppose, but not depressed.
Focusing is proving difficult. I’ve been like that the past few days. Amy keeps asking me if I’m alright, and I say I’m fine, just zoning, but really I don’t feel fine at all. I simply don’t want to bring my issues into the workplace as they could be a distraction. Sometimes it’s hard though. I have confided in Amy a lot in the past. I can’t tell Jeff anything personal because he doesn’t want to hear it. I have warned him that I am manic from time-to-time and he just stared and was like: …yeah? And?” So I quit telling him things. Amy knows me well enough that she can see the change in my demeanor.
Where am I going with this? Damn. I wanted to make it more about Buddhism. Oh well. I need to have a devotional with Brighid. I am going to make the most out of my little candle and its carrier. Maybe she will even communicate with me. But first…I have to vacuum my carpet. It’s gross and I can’t sit on it until its clean.