Paul has been gone for 4 weeks, I think…or maybe longer, I haven’t been counting the days. I miss him a lot. But sometimes I question our relationship. There is no fire or passion between us…or maybe it hasn’t had an opportunity to come out. Definitely not love at first sight, but we have grown to care about one another. I think part of the problem was that I was trying to establish a base of friendship before moving heavily into the romantic side of our relationship. I have read and been told that friendship first is usually a good idea. So now I worry that I extended that base for too long.
I’m still really scared of our relationship, even though he is gone. Getting intimate and even just cuddling takes an enormous amount of courage for me. He knows this. He hasn’t pressured me at all, but I can tell he wants to go to the next level. I’m not ready! How do I tell him that? It seems like he loves me more than I love him. Which my counselor said is an ideal set up, but it makes me feel bad. I am so scared of love and to be loved. I’m not accustomed to it. I just….I think I have PTSD from my ex who was sexually abusive. I’ve never been screened for it, but I get flashbacks and live in fear of intimacy.