What Happens Next?

Paul has been gone for 4 weeks, I think…or maybe longer, I haven’t been counting the days. I miss him a lot. But sometimes I question our relationship. There is no fire or passion between us…or maybe it hasn’t had an opportunity to come out. Definitely not love at first sight, but we have grown to care about one another. I think part of the problem was that I was trying to establish a base of friendship before moving heavily into the romantic side of our relationship. I have read and been told that friendship first is usually a good idea. So now I worry that I extended that base  for too long.

I’m still really scared of our relationship, even though he is gone. Getting intimate and even just cuddling takes an enormous amount of courage for me. He knows this. He hasn’t pressured me at all, but I can tell he wants to go to the next level. I’m not ready! How do I tell him that? It seems like he loves me more than I love him. Which my counselor said is an ideal set up, but it makes me feel bad. I am so scared of love and to be loved. I’m not accustomed to it. I just….I think I have PTSD from my ex who was sexually abusive. I’ve never been screened for it, but I get flashbacks and live in fear of intimacy.

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About Siofra |Nathifa|

A Druid and a Kemetic Pagan. I have studied Celtic Traditions, European Shamanism, the Fairy Faith, Native American Traditions, Wicca, Witchcraft and have explored New Age beliefs. I guess you could say I'm eclectic, but right now my focus is on Druidry and Kemetic Traditions. I am by no means, an expert in any of these interests. I am also a Bard in training.
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3 Responses to What Happens Next?

  1. greycatsidhe says:

    I think the space between you now is good. It gives you time to think, to enjoy yourself, and meditate. Everyone is different and you must trust your own heart about what is right. I’ll say for myself, my husband and I didn’t experience love at first sight. It took us months to become involved. If he is a decent man, he will continue to take it slow and not pressure you.

    • Really? I am so used to everything going do fast, like a roller coaster you can’t get off of. But with Paul it’s different. I decided I wanted to make our foundation a friendship before getting really romantically involved. But I am getting that urge to run away again. I use to be a Love Addict, now I feel like a Love Avoidant. Men make me run away. But when I’m with a woman, it isn’t any healthier either. I just want to take my time, and think, and really question if this relationship is good for me. Like you said, the distance is a good thing. I probably would have broken up with him already. And he says he’ll wait, but then says we need to take our relationship to the next level. Its like a red flag saying “WHOA TOO FAST!” I think I’ve told you some of my history. About the sexual abuse? After all these years in continues to have an effect on me. No matter how much I think I’ve healed or gotten over it. I think I might even have PTSD from it. All I know is that it interferes with every relationship with a man that I’ve had.

      I haven’t decided to give up. Maybe I won’t, but I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about these feelings so, yeah, I’m a bit emotional right now. You are the second person to mention they didn’t have a love at first sight relationship. Now I don’t feel so unusual. It’s better than the roller coaster because everything always crashes and falls apart in the end when its like that. Thanks for talking and listening, as always. 🙂

      • greycatsidhe says:

        Of course! And I can only imagine what you feel after such a negative experience with love and sex. I admire you for reaching out and trying again! That takes strength and bravery. Don’t ever forget how strong you are!

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