Some years ago, possibly 2007 or 2008, I discovered that I was a Love Addict. Each relationship that I have ever gotten into (with the exception of one) was approached by the intensity of “love at first sight” and began as a wild roller coaster ride with rapid highs and lows. It was insanity. I always chose toxic people and our “love” would always crash and burn anywhere from 3 weeks to a month. Sometimes it lasted longer, but with the same craziness. At the end I would be depressed and suicidal. I felt a need to control, though I was completely out of control and so was my life. I lived and breathed romance. I ran away. Came back. Ran away again. It didn’t matter if I was with a d boy or a girl. The same thing would happen.
I joined a forum board and began sharing my experiences and discovered that a lot of other people shared my experiences. I started getting help. The biggest and hardest step for me was cutting ties with the person I was addicted to. But after a while I stopped counting the days, started breathing, and examining my behavior. I had a long way to go, but at least I knew what the problem was.
Now I am showing signs of being a Love Avoidant. I run away from almost every relationship I get into with a man. This probably has something to do with my history of sexual abuse, but I have become very good at not committing and leaving relationships. I broke someone’s heart but he kept pressuring me to be more intimate when I wasn’t ready and when he went back on his promise. I like the idea of being with men, up until it starts to become serious.
My current relationship started out slow, which is what I needed. It wasn’t love and first sight, but we started to really care about one another. I know he is hopelessly in love with me, but my heart doesn’t burn with hopeless passion. I love him and care about him, but I’m starting to feel pressured and when that rears its ugly head I usually bolt. I have extreme difficulty in becoming intimate with men. I think of ways to avoid it, or to be in control of the situation. I stopped going over to his house and always had him come over instead because I felt safer in my own home. And we wouldn’t be home alone much so nothing could really happen between us except for some cuddling and a few innocent kisses.
I guess it is natural for a guy to want more than that. But I’m not sure if that’s something I can give right now. Him being overseas is probably a good thing because it gives me time to think and really figure out my emotions. And I don’t have to deal with the stress of being in his presence…because it is very stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, he is a sweet and gentle man, but he is a man and well, I might have an issue with that, more so than I anticipated. Maybe I’m just not ready yet. I wish I could find a counselor to replace my old one so he/she could help me figure this out. I really do care about my boyfriend, I want him to be happy. He deserves someone who loves him back just as equally and I’m questioning whether or not I can give that to him.