I am feeling so torn right now. I wish I could see my new counselor sooner, so that I could discuss these issues.
I am not so certain about Paul any more. He was saying confusing things like, giving me space and in the next section, that we needed to bring our relationship to the next level. I don’t want to “level up” at this point. I just want to talk to him and get to know him better. Maybe what I need right now is a friend more so than a lover. I need to figure out if I can be safe, comfortable and happy with a man. And I’m not too sure about it. I mean I think a part of me loves him. I certainly do care about him a great deal. He thinks we are soul mates but I don’t feel that way at all. What’s worse is that I might be a Love Avoidant, the opposite of a Love Addict. I want to be in control. When I get scared, I run instead of facing my fears. I don’t have the hang-ups when it comes to women. I just feel more comfortable being with one. But wonder if I haven’t met the right male yet. I don’t know.
I am also getting tired of fighting my body. I have plateaued for months, gave up on my diet, gained 3 pounds…ugh. I don’t think I look any fatter and I feel like my gut has shrank a bit. So where do the weight go, my ass? Probably. Or my thighs. Its like I was designed to be some uber baby carrying machine. Huge hips, huge thighs…big ass…well, okay, I don’t know how having a big ass might relate to baby carrying. But still…I’m not happy with my body at all. I never have been. Now I am going to try a vegetarian diet and cut back on quantities. I bet what has really sent my weight up was drinking Pepsi lately. Almost every day. I will have to go back to having a Pepsi every now and then. I don’t like how it makes me feel anyway. I much prefer hot tea.
It’s silly…really. I think all people have a unique beauty to them no matter how thin or heavy they are. The Gods and Goddesses come in all weights. I would probably be the ideal Venus body, minus the big boobs. But the point I’m trying to make, is that weight shouldn’t determine our worth in society. If I can see the beauty in others, no matter their weight, why can’t I see the beauty in my own body and face? Now that is the question…