I had trouble sleeping last night, after having been so thoughtless and immature. I am feeling pretty depressed about my actions, and I hope I didn’t cause any lasting damage. What was I thinking? Kay had always told me to be honest with my feelings and to express them…in a controlled manner, and to keep the line of communication open. Well, its different with a soldier overseas. You have to hide your personal problems and be 100% supportive. I failed in doing that. Like I said, I wasn’t thinking.
Worst of all I’ve been thinking and acting like my mother. Especially over the weekend. I’m not sure why but she has been treating me like shit lately. Like everyone going out to dinner without me just because my mom didn’t want to have to “wait an hour for me to get ready”. It would have taken me 5 minutes. Then the next day they all went to lunch without me because my mom said, “She can buy her own meal.” As if I wanted to sit alone in a huge ass mall, feeling awkward. We always use to meet up for lunch, that’s why I was confused. Anyway, later I knew they wanted to come along but I didn’t say anything so we left to go to Walmart without my mom and brother and they threw a fit. I told them, “Now you know how it feels to get left behind.” Which was very immature of me, I know, but I couldn’t help myself.
I don’t want to be immature and petty like my mom. She can be down right nasty sometimes and it depresses me to think I have been behaving like her. I need to be more compassionate and mindful. That will take some work but I’m sure I could do it. I don’t want to be thoughtless like my mom. I vowed at a much younger age that I wouldn’t be like her….and now here I am. But I can stop it. I know I can.