This may seem petty, but my sister pays more attention to everyone but me on Facebook. She never comments on my wall, likes anything…its like I don’t even exist to her. I get 0 support for my mental illness. It just reminds me of all the times I tried my damnedest to support her in every single way and I get nothing in return. I guess that doesn’t mean I am entitled to support, I just thought she would care about me more than what she does. Meh. I’m tired of having sister issues. I won’t say anything. Just gonna let it go. I have people who care about me. It just reminds me though of what my new counselor said, “You’re not love addicted, you’re love neglected.”
Wow. My cat is really pissed off at me. All I did was hold her while my mom treated her for fleas. She’ll forgive me in time. I just hope she doesn’t lick it off and get sick. I wouldn’t be able to handle waking up and finding my cat dead. My world would come apart.
An hour ago I was so cold I was physically shaking. Now I’m too hot. And I still feel nauseous. This whole transition to another anti-pyschotic is seriously kicking my ass. I’m so glad I see my counselor tomorrow. I’m trying to hold myself together. I don’t know, I’m growing more and more apathetic as the days progress. I’m accepting that these hallucinations are beyond my control. I don’t know when they’re going to happen, or what they’ll be like, whether it will be in a public place or in the safety of my bed. So far I’ve been able to tell that I am having hallucinations. So instead of thinking that my coworker has 4 eyes, I know logically that is impossible and so I must be seeing things. Which does freak me out, but at least I didn’t believe she was a monster coming to get me.
Now I feel like crying. I’m just so tired of all of this. My body shaking out of control. Choking on my pills and sometimes food and water because I have trouble swallowing due to the medicine. The nausea that comes and goes. And being tired all the time…yet not able to sleep or taking hours to fall asleep because you’re on hyper alert due to paranoia. It’s exhausting. Speaking of sleep…I need to go to bed soon. Maybe I will catch a break tonight and get a good night’s rest. Cheers to being hopeful.