A New Tarot Deck

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A friend of mine that lives upstairs bought this for me yesterday. Ironic that I get an oracle deck AND a tarot deck right after one another. The unique aspect about this deck is that you are given cards to color in, choosing with colors feel right to you about the card you are coloring. I think this is a brilliant idea for a tarot deck! And very fun as well. I seem to be collecting a lot of decks. Maybe its time to get rid of the ones I no longer use.

Once I start coloring, I think I will scan and post it on here to share. Or maybe after I do like…6 or something because one card at a time could take months. I love coloring things, and being creative about it so this should be lots and lots of fun! And if you are unsure, it comes with a complete tarot deck to give you guidance and ideas.

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The Fey Dragon

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Today I had the opportunity to stop into a Pagan store in the college town where my brother is attending school. It was small but neat and full of wonderfully interesting things. I moved to the bookshelves and discover an Egyptian oracle deck called “Isis Oracle” by Alana Fairchild. The artwork is beautifully rendered. What makes this deck rather unique is that each card comes with a simple meditation and ritual, while also providing a reading. I have yet to actually use the deck, but I am already in love with it.

 

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Morning

I had trouble sleeping last night, after having been so thoughtless and immature. I am feeling pretty depressed about my actions, and I hope I didn’t cause any lasting damage. What was I thinking? Kay had always told me to be honest with my feelings and to express them…in a controlled manner, and to keep the line of communication open. Well, its different with a soldier overseas. You have to hide your personal problems and be 100% supportive. I failed in doing that. Like I said, I wasn’t thinking.

Worst of all I’ve been thinking and acting like my mother. Especially over the weekend. I’m not sure why but she has been treating me like shit lately. Like everyone going out to dinner without me just because my mom didn’t want to have to “wait an hour for me to get ready”. It would have taken me 5 minutes. Then the next day they all went to lunch without me because my mom said, “She can buy her own meal.” As if I wanted to sit alone in a huge ass mall, feeling awkward. We always use to meet up for lunch, that’s why I was confused. Anyway, later I knew they wanted to come along but I didn’t say anything so we left to go to Walmart without my mom and brother and they threw a fit. I told them, “Now you know how it feels to get left behind.” Which was very immature of me, I know, but I couldn’t help myself.

I don’t want to be immature and petty like my mom. She can be down right nasty sometimes and it depresses me to think I have been behaving like her. I need to be more compassionate and mindful. That will take some work but I’m sure I could do it. I don’t want to be thoughtless like my mom. I vowed at a much younger age that I wouldn’t be like her….and now here I am. But I can stop it. I know I can.

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Dating A Soldier

I didn’t realize what I was getting into when I decided to date my boyfriend, who got deployed a month ago. Our first month apart.

I am going through some emotionally difficult times. Like first, I shared too much information about his deployment (yay for Facebook frankness). Then I erroneously set him an e-mail about what I’m going through, healing from my past sexual abuse and dealing with my sexual orientation questions. I basically explained that I need time and space to figure things out, and to work with my new counselor on these things. And had an older friend, who is married to a soldier, inform me that I was being immature and distracting him from the mission. That was not my intent at all! I was just being emotionally and mentally honest with him, but I can see how that counts as relationship drama, something he doesn’t need to be thinking about. I think I pretty much can’t dump him until he comes home otherwise his ability to function as a soldier could get compromised. 

I’m not saying that I will dump him anyway, but its one of my options…or well, use to be. I hate the thought of lying to him, but if it means he is mentally 100% there for his mission, then I guess lying is the way to go.

It’s funny, because I didn’t know I was in such a mentally tenuous state. I’m still crying because I feel like I royally screwed up. I sent him a second e-mail apologizing and assuring him that I’ll be okay. And I will. I’m under a lot of stress too. Which is why I’m still crying. I just don’t know what to do in these situations. My dad was in the Reserves and he was never deployed over seas. So I don’t know how I’m supposed to be, or how to interact.

Alright. Time to spend some time with my Gods and Goddesses. That should make me feel better, or cry more. I guess I’ll just have to see. But I do know, I will not make this mistake twice. No dumping personal issues on your soldier boyfriend. You’ve been informed.

And now to ponder on ideas for a care package…

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Ponderings Before Bed

I am feeling so torn right now. I wish I could see my new counselor sooner, so that I could discuss these issues.

I am not so certain about Paul any more. He was saying confusing things like, giving me space and in the next section, that we needed to bring our relationship to the next level. I don’t want to “level up” at this point. I just want to talk to him and get to know him better. Maybe what I need right now is a friend more so than a lover. I need to figure out if I can be safe, comfortable and happy with a man. And I’m not too sure about it. I mean I think a part of me loves him. I certainly do care about him a great deal. He thinks we are soul mates but I don’t feel that way at all. What’s worse is that I might be a Love Avoidant, the opposite of a Love Addict. I want to be in control. When I get scared, I run instead of facing my fears. I don’t have the hang-ups when it comes to women. I just feel more comfortable being with one. But wonder if I haven’t met the right male yet. I don’t know.

I am also getting tired of fighting my body. I have plateaued for months, gave up on my diet, gained 3 pounds…ugh. I  don’t think I look any fatter and I feel like my gut has shrank a bit. So where do the weight go, my ass? Probably. Or my thighs. Its like I was designed to be some uber baby carrying machine. Huge hips, huge thighs…big ass…well, okay, I don’t know how having a big ass might relate to baby carrying. But still…I’m not happy with my body at all. I never have been. Now I am going to try a vegetarian diet and cut back on quantities. I bet what has really sent my weight up was drinking Pepsi lately. Almost every day. I will have to go back to having a Pepsi every now and then. I don’t like how it makes me feel anyway. I much prefer hot tea.

It’s silly…really. I think all people have a unique beauty to them no matter how thin or heavy they are. The Gods and Goddesses come in all weights. I would probably be the ideal Venus body, minus the big boobs. But the point I’m trying to make, is that weight shouldn’t determine our worth in society. If I can see the beauty in others, no matter their weight, why can’t I see the beauty in my own body and face? Now that is the question…

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Love Avoidant

 

In the nighttime of my soul,

my eyes burn like blue flames,

in a never ending recitation

of cupid’s sweet  call.

I am withering into cobwebs,

arms of twigs a trunk too large,

without sustenance

I crave all the things so divine

that collapse the strings that

hold me together,

and I am afraid,

so very afraid,

of each word I say

as it leaves my fingertips

in insecure regret.

Don’t give up on me,

Though I have given up

on myself,

Don’t love me so much,

I cannot fathom or bare,

I feel naked in your eyes,

ashamed and torn,

for I am damaged,

and I’m not sure

love could save me at all.

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Feelings, Love Addiction and Love Avoidant

 

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Some years ago, possibly 2007 or 2008, I discovered that I was a Love Addict. Each relationship that I have ever gotten into (with the exception of one) was approached by the intensity of “love at first sight” and began as a wild roller coaster ride with rapid highs and lows. It was insanity. I always chose toxic people and our “love” would always crash and burn anywhere from 3 weeks to a month. Sometimes it lasted longer, but with the same craziness. At the end I would be depressed and suicidal. I felt a need to control, though I was completely out of  control and so was my life. I lived and breathed romance. I ran away. Came back. Ran away again. It didn’t matter if I was with a d boy or a girl. The same thing would happen.

I joined a forum board and began sharing my experiences and discovered that a lot of other people shared my experiences. I started getting help. The biggest and hardest step for me was cutting ties with the person I was addicted to. But after a while I stopped counting the days, started breathing, and examining my behavior. I had a long way to go, but at least I knew what the problem was.

Now I am showing signs of being a Love Avoidant. I run away from almost every relationship I get into with a man. This probably has something to do with my history of sexual abuse, but I have become very good at not committing and leaving relationships. I broke someone’s heart but he kept pressuring me to be more intimate when I wasn’t ready and when he went back on his promise. I like the idea of being with men, up until it starts to become serious.

My current relationship started out slow, which is what I needed. It wasn’t love and first sight, but we started to really care about one another. I know he is hopelessly in love with me, but my heart doesn’t burn with hopeless passion. I love him and care about him, but I’m starting to feel pressured and when that rears its ugly head I usually bolt. I have extreme difficulty in becoming intimate with men. I think of ways to avoid it, or to be in control of the situation. I stopped going over to his house and always had him come over instead because I felt safer in my own home. And we wouldn’t be home alone much so nothing could really happen between us except for some cuddling and a few innocent kisses.

I guess it is natural for a guy to want more than that. But I’m not sure if that’s something I can give right now. Him being overseas is probably a good thing because it gives me time to think and really figure out my emotions. And I don’t have to deal with the stress of being in his presence…because it is very stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, he is a sweet and gentle man, but he is a man and well, I might have an issue with that, more so than I anticipated. Maybe I’m just not ready yet. I wish I could find a counselor to replace my old one so he/she could help me figure this out. I really do care about my boyfriend, I want him to be happy. He deserves someone who loves him back just as equally and I’m questioning whether or not I can give that to him.

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